labingi

Thanks for your comment. It sounds like we have quite a few intersectional identities approximately in common. I expect having some confluence of those traits makes it more likely to be less aware of/subject to "the gaze."

It's also a weird, if you think about it, to discuss the "male gaze" as pretty much aimed at all girls/women while simultaneously having a long and storied tradition of "plain Janes" and "wall flowers" who specifically don't get looked at. (I guess one could say they are looked at and found lacking.)

Parents are no doubt a huge part of this. I'm glad your mom took a firm stand against letting you be objectified in any way. My parents also never put any pressure on me to be "feminine" or attract guys. On the contrary, they were absolutely useless as a source of ideas for how to get a date. :-) But it strikes me as salient that my dad--the main male figure in my life for all my growing up--was probably, by today's standards, asexual. I don't recall ever seeing anything "gaze-y" from him, not even a response to a TV character.