Abuse and Love in Mirage of Blaze
May. 18th, 2022 06:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
labingiIn my latest reread in Mirage of Blaze, some thoughts have gelled for me about a perennially troubling aspect of the story: it's about an abusive relationship, and I absolutely root for the core couple to be together. This goes against all our common wisdom. Leave abusive relationships; that is rule number one. I've spent years mentally shunting aside this issue, but I think I'm ready to dive deeper now and explain why I do think Kagetora and Naoe belong together and what that says about real life.
Vague Mirage spoilers follow…
I'm working hard to not overuse the word "abuse." It should not be synonymous with "conflict" or "pain" or "dysfunction." It's a heavy word, and it should generally refer to an ongoing pattern of significantly psychologically scarring behavior. By that standard, is their relationship abusive? Yes. Not continuously for 400 years, but for significant stretches. At times, they each abuse the other. Kagetora's abuse of Naoe is emotional: he demeans him, then turns around and is kind and caring, only to snap and be cruel again. He's clingy and manipulative in a way that, over time, causes Naoe intense psychological pain and significant wounding. It's abusive. Over a shorter period of time (but an agonizing one), Naoe returns some of this behavior, being by turns caring and protective, then nasty and menacing. He also goes through periods of physical abuse, mostly sexual molestation. This badly exacerbates Kagetora's pre-existing trauma; it is also plainly abusive.
So shouldn't they call it quits? At least two of their nearest and dearest, Irobe and Nagahide, suggest they should, and they're not wrong that the relationship coils itself up into a spring about to explode under the pressure.
Yet I'm with Naoe and Kagetora in firmly believing they belong together. Why?
The short answer is they love each other.
Now, I realize that is the grandest of old excuses for staying in abusive relationship. I know the reply: love that hurts isn't really love, that is, not if its regular pattern is to hurt. And that's really good advice for typical real life most of the time. I'm very glad that I personally am in a boring primary relationship that is supportive and easy to live with day to day.
Yet it is also worth bearing in mind that love—real love—is strong; it's tough. It does involve pain; it involves willingness to face pain for someone else. That is why marriage vows include better and worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer. Real love does not give up on people. It may require physically separating from people. But even then, I'd argue, if it lasts as love, if the love itself isn't killed (as it sometimes is), it hasn't really turned away. It remains full of care in spirit, at least. And in many cases, it remains willing to reconnect if that can ever be done in a tolerably healthy way. If your child murders someone, for example, your conscience may require you to turn them in, but you may still visit them in prison. If they won't receive you, might write them. If no contact is feasible, you may still stand ready to respond with care if and when it becomes so. That's love.
Kagetora and Naoe can be horrible to each other, but they do fundamentally love each other. Over 400 years living and working together, during which, I think, they mostly get along day to day, they have clocked a lot of conversations, a lot life and death situations, a lot of daily details. They know each other extremely well. Despite what they may sometimes say, they know each other's virtues and they know each other's worth. Despite what they may sometimes do, they want what is best for each other—their best selves do. This is often at the forefront of Naoe's mind, wanting to protect Kagetora, wanting to minimize his suffering. Kagetora is more selfish (in that relationship, not in general), but he fundamentally wants what is best for Naoe too. This generally undergirds his moments of kindness. He can be manipulative, but he doesn't usually use kindness to do it; he usually uses explicit cruelty or passive aggression. The kindness ends up serving the manipulation by creating an agonizing push and pull—but I do believe that's most unintentional. There are moments he just wants to be kind because he loves Naoe.
In the final estimation, they are willing to suffer to support each other because they love each other—not need or cling or desire but love. They truly care; they are committed, both of them.
But what does this tell us about real life? Is this just an escapist fantasy unconnected to the way real relationships work? No, it's not. Of course, real relationships don't last for 400 continuous years, but they can last a lifetime. And Naoe and Kagetora have an extremely psychologically realistic relationship. It profoundly makes sense for both their psyches. But if we take that idea on board, does mean people should sometimes stay in abusive relationships?
Well, each person has to make that call. I'm not going to make any real-life judgments except to say I think, yes, that can be possible. Rarely. It's a tough thing to say, but I think it's real. In discussing living with an addict, Gabor Maté has observed that the only real choice the other person has to make is whether they can/will put up with it. Is the value of the relationship worth the pain of being in relationship with an addict? Now, not all addictive behaviors rise to abuse. My father was an alcoholic, but he never abused me. But the general principle I see here is similar. What is worth putting up with? That question is ultimately unique to each relationship.
There is no question that people often make the wrong call, staying in relationships in the name of "love" when they are not loved in return but merely treated horribly. At the same time, sometimes difficult relationships are need to be preserved. Here's a real-life example: mother and daughter Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher. Lest this sound like a really odd comparison to Naoe and Kagetora, let me specify: I don't mean to imply their relationship was incestuous or abusive. That would be absurd. But their relationship was difficult. Carrie suffered throughout her life from serious mental illness, which led to drug abuse, broken relationships, and sometimes being institutionalized. She was a wonderful human being, but she was not, I gather, easy to know. Yet her mother never gave up on her. They were extremely close; in the last years of their lives, they were literally neighbors. And it hurt. I remember watching a documentary on their family and Debbie, in her 80s, was saying something about Carrie's psychological struggles, and she started to cry. It hurt, perhaps more so because, plausibly, some (not all) of those psychological problems stemmed from a disturbed childhood in which Debbie's choices, as her mother, were implicated. By all accounts, she was a fantastic mother, but she also chose to get together with Carrie's not-so-fantastic father. People can make bad choices. Carrie herself joked about how awful her mother's taste in men was. Towards the end of this documentary, they were discussing Carrie helping Debbie get around in her declining years. Carrie remarked that Debbie had done the same for her parents, though they had not been kind or supportive of Debbie. She put forward that her grandparents hadn't deserved that care from their daughter, and then she paused and said, "Debbie deserves it." That's love. It is not a pushover; it is dogged and resilient.
That's what Naoe and Kagetora have. Love. They do horrible things to each other along the way, and they feel the guilt for that. They learn and they change, recur to old bad patterns, and learn more and change further. They both have selfish streaks, but they have genuine care too, and sometimes sacrifice deeply for each other. I am for that. I am with them. And I don't mean to use their relationship as a blueprint to tell anyone else to stay in a troubled relationship. But some troubled relationships are worth it. Sometimes—sometimes, sticking with it is what it means to love.
There's a connection here, as some might sense, to the book I'm writing on cutoffs. For the record, I do believe in the right to cut someone off, and I know it is sometimes for the best. What troubles me is a tendency in our current discourse to treat even small imperfect behaviors as evidence of toxicity that should not be tolerated. So-and-So yelled, and so Thus-and-Such should leave him. After all, Thus-and-Such didn't deserve to be yelled at! It's not right! True enough, but none of us is always right. And if we can't stand by the people we claim to love through even fairly small convulsions, we're in trouble, as individuals, as relationships, and as a culture because we've forgotten how to love. Love is strong and enduring, and we can be too, and we should celebrate that.
Vague Mirage spoilers follow…
I'm working hard to not overuse the word "abuse." It should not be synonymous with "conflict" or "pain" or "dysfunction." It's a heavy word, and it should generally refer to an ongoing pattern of significantly psychologically scarring behavior. By that standard, is their relationship abusive? Yes. Not continuously for 400 years, but for significant stretches. At times, they each abuse the other. Kagetora's abuse of Naoe is emotional: he demeans him, then turns around and is kind and caring, only to snap and be cruel again. He's clingy and manipulative in a way that, over time, causes Naoe intense psychological pain and significant wounding. It's abusive. Over a shorter period of time (but an agonizing one), Naoe returns some of this behavior, being by turns caring and protective, then nasty and menacing. He also goes through periods of physical abuse, mostly sexual molestation. This badly exacerbates Kagetora's pre-existing trauma; it is also plainly abusive.
So shouldn't they call it quits? At least two of their nearest and dearest, Irobe and Nagahide, suggest they should, and they're not wrong that the relationship coils itself up into a spring about to explode under the pressure.
Yet I'm with Naoe and Kagetora in firmly believing they belong together. Why?
The short answer is they love each other.
Now, I realize that is the grandest of old excuses for staying in abusive relationship. I know the reply: love that hurts isn't really love, that is, not if its regular pattern is to hurt. And that's really good advice for typical real life most of the time. I'm very glad that I personally am in a boring primary relationship that is supportive and easy to live with day to day.
Yet it is also worth bearing in mind that love—real love—is strong; it's tough. It does involve pain; it involves willingness to face pain for someone else. That is why marriage vows include better and worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer. Real love does not give up on people. It may require physically separating from people. But even then, I'd argue, if it lasts as love, if the love itself isn't killed (as it sometimes is), it hasn't really turned away. It remains full of care in spirit, at least. And in many cases, it remains willing to reconnect if that can ever be done in a tolerably healthy way. If your child murders someone, for example, your conscience may require you to turn them in, but you may still visit them in prison. If they won't receive you, might write them. If no contact is feasible, you may still stand ready to respond with care if and when it becomes so. That's love.
Kagetora and Naoe can be horrible to each other, but they do fundamentally love each other. Over 400 years living and working together, during which, I think, they mostly get along day to day, they have clocked a lot of conversations, a lot life and death situations, a lot of daily details. They know each other extremely well. Despite what they may sometimes say, they know each other's virtues and they know each other's worth. Despite what they may sometimes do, they want what is best for each other—their best selves do. This is often at the forefront of Naoe's mind, wanting to protect Kagetora, wanting to minimize his suffering. Kagetora is more selfish (in that relationship, not in general), but he fundamentally wants what is best for Naoe too. This generally undergirds his moments of kindness. He can be manipulative, but he doesn't usually use kindness to do it; he usually uses explicit cruelty or passive aggression. The kindness ends up serving the manipulation by creating an agonizing push and pull—but I do believe that's most unintentional. There are moments he just wants to be kind because he loves Naoe.
In the final estimation, they are willing to suffer to support each other because they love each other—not need or cling or desire but love. They truly care; they are committed, both of them.
But what does this tell us about real life? Is this just an escapist fantasy unconnected to the way real relationships work? No, it's not. Of course, real relationships don't last for 400 continuous years, but they can last a lifetime. And Naoe and Kagetora have an extremely psychologically realistic relationship. It profoundly makes sense for both their psyches. But if we take that idea on board, does mean people should sometimes stay in abusive relationships?
Well, each person has to make that call. I'm not going to make any real-life judgments except to say I think, yes, that can be possible. Rarely. It's a tough thing to say, but I think it's real. In discussing living with an addict, Gabor Maté has observed that the only real choice the other person has to make is whether they can/will put up with it. Is the value of the relationship worth the pain of being in relationship with an addict? Now, not all addictive behaviors rise to abuse. My father was an alcoholic, but he never abused me. But the general principle I see here is similar. What is worth putting up with? That question is ultimately unique to each relationship.
There is no question that people often make the wrong call, staying in relationships in the name of "love" when they are not loved in return but merely treated horribly. At the same time, sometimes difficult relationships are need to be preserved. Here's a real-life example: mother and daughter Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher. Lest this sound like a really odd comparison to Naoe and Kagetora, let me specify: I don't mean to imply their relationship was incestuous or abusive. That would be absurd. But their relationship was difficult. Carrie suffered throughout her life from serious mental illness, which led to drug abuse, broken relationships, and sometimes being institutionalized. She was a wonderful human being, but she was not, I gather, easy to know. Yet her mother never gave up on her. They were extremely close; in the last years of their lives, they were literally neighbors. And it hurt. I remember watching a documentary on their family and Debbie, in her 80s, was saying something about Carrie's psychological struggles, and she started to cry. It hurt, perhaps more so because, plausibly, some (not all) of those psychological problems stemmed from a disturbed childhood in which Debbie's choices, as her mother, were implicated. By all accounts, she was a fantastic mother, but she also chose to get together with Carrie's not-so-fantastic father. People can make bad choices. Carrie herself joked about how awful her mother's taste in men was. Towards the end of this documentary, they were discussing Carrie helping Debbie get around in her declining years. Carrie remarked that Debbie had done the same for her parents, though they had not been kind or supportive of Debbie. She put forward that her grandparents hadn't deserved that care from their daughter, and then she paused and said, "Debbie deserves it." That's love. It is not a pushover; it is dogged and resilient.
That's what Naoe and Kagetora have. Love. They do horrible things to each other along the way, and they feel the guilt for that. They learn and they change, recur to old bad patterns, and learn more and change further. They both have selfish streaks, but they have genuine care too, and sometimes sacrifice deeply for each other. I am for that. I am with them. And I don't mean to use their relationship as a blueprint to tell anyone else to stay in a troubled relationship. But some troubled relationships are worth it. Sometimes—sometimes, sticking with it is what it means to love.
There's a connection here, as some might sense, to the book I'm writing on cutoffs. For the record, I do believe in the right to cut someone off, and I know it is sometimes for the best. What troubles me is a tendency in our current discourse to treat even small imperfect behaviors as evidence of toxicity that should not be tolerated. So-and-So yelled, and so Thus-and-Such should leave him. After all, Thus-and-Such didn't deserve to be yelled at! It's not right! True enough, but none of us is always right. And if we can't stand by the people we claim to love through even fairly small convulsions, we're in trouble, as individuals, as relationships, and as a culture because we've forgotten how to love. Love is strong and enduring, and we can be too, and we should celebrate that.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-20 03:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-05-23 01:58 am (UTC)Walking through the woods, thinking of MoB sounds lovely, and, indeed, it's something I do quite a bit myself. I think whether embracing the attachment and suffering is a justified choice is the core question of MoB, at least for Naoe. The more I think about it, the more I think he is, in fact, mounting something of a real critique of the typical Dharma teaching, because if he followed it--or at least had any success at it in the near term--it would destroy Kagetora. Kagetora needs to be needed (until he needs it less). So would letting Kagetora be psychologically destroyed, as he pretty much is in the Karin arc, in the name of approaching the Bodhisattva Path actually be the more moral choice? Knowingly letting someone become that devastated by your (in)actions is arguably not very compassionate, yet the Bodhisattva Path is supposed to be about moving toward a totally compassionate existence. I think those tensions are interesting, and I'm not totally sure how I myself resolve the problem.