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labingiTitle: "Love Letters"
Fandoms: Banana Fish, Death Note, Death Note--Bodyverse
Characters: Ash, Eiji, Sing, mentions of other BF/DN characters and OCs
Spoilers: All of BF, light spoilers for DN and DN-Bodyverse
Warnings/Rating: References to physical and sexual violence, swearing, PG-13 this section.
Summary: Ash goes prison, but he and Eiji write letters... for decades... and decades...
A/N: I'd be happy to attribute the computer haiku if anyone knows who originated it.
Teaser: Ash: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I can feel you and me getting freer by the moment.
Letters 1987-1990 and Author's Notes
Letters 1994-1998
Letters 2003-2004
April 2, 2003
Dear Eiji,
It's true I feel totally behind the times when it comes to music, but in a way that's always been true for me. I hid it in the old days by pretending I wasn't much of a music lover, but I was never into teen idols when I was a teen. My whole life I've stuck in the '60's and '70's.
When I was a little kid, Griff had this Jefferson Airplane record he used to play all the time, as a result of which I developed a lifelong attachment to "Somebody to Love." He used to carry me on his shoulders and we'd boogie on down to it. God, what I wouldn't give to hear it this minute. I used to really like "White Rabbit" too, when I was too young to get what it was about. Since everything with Griff, though, I can't really listen to it anymore. Which is a shame: they did a good performance of it on the Smothers Brothers that one time.
Sorry. Babbling. Oh, those books I mentioned on computer evolution came; I've been enjoying them, but I wish they'd let me have a computer, you know one with internet. And not DOS. (I'm exaggerating: we have Windows 95.)
What's up in Japan?
Your friend,
Ash
P.S. You remember computer haiku?
Chaos reigns within.
Reboot.
Order will return.
***
May 24, 2003
Dear Ash,
I remember you once said Madonna is a hooker, but I think you meant her music sold more from sex appeal than music appeal. That is all I remember you said about music in the '80s. One time you played Janis Joplin when you thought I was asleep. I didn't know it was her when I heard it, but I looked at your tape's contents later.
I have news. Sing and Akira become engaged. They will get married in July. I think they are a good couple. They tease each other a lot, which is good, right?
Sorry, I am a little tired by taking my nephew to amusement park. He made me ride many roller coasters, which was fun but also reminds me a little bit of the time when my pole broke (head goes over heels), so it makes me tired. I will write more next letter.
Your friend,
Eiji
***
July 3, 2003
Dear Eiji,
Your news about Sing's marriage blindsided me. I thought you and him were pretty solid. Thinking back, you haven't talked about him much for a long time, but I always figured it was because you didn't want me to feel bad thinking about how you two went to Japan and I'm stuck here, etc.
So, um, おめでとう? To him, I mean, not you. For you, it kind of seems like you're losing your boyfriend. How do you feel about all this? Is it sudden?
I think the Janis Joplin was "Bobby McGee." I don't remember the time you're talking about, but that's my favorite song of hers. She squawks like a banshee, but you know, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I can feel you and me getting freer by the moment.
Your friend,
Ash
***
August 28, 2003
Dear Ash,
I was also blindsided by Sing's engagement. I feel silly because I should not be surprised. I knew Sing and Akira got close. I was pretty sure they were sleeping together sometimes. I feel stupid not to know for sure, but Sing always slept with girls; maybe we didn't talk about it enough. Also, Sing and I didn't really live together much the past two years. I travel for work, and he teaches, so we were apart. So we were not like couple, but I think of us as a couple. This is bad communication. We are still good friends though. I don't lose him: it is okay.
The wedding was last week. It was a pretty, Western wedding. Western wedding is popular in Japan. Sing's mother came from NY; I only met her a few times before. She is very quiet. I think he has a lot of pressure by relatives to get married and have kids. Of course, he wants it too: the normal life. It makes sense. I am happy for Sing and Akira. They looked very happy at wedding.
If freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, it is the same as to not care about life. This is Zen. Do you know a famous Japanese novel, 門 (The Gate)? It is about a man who has problems in life and tries to find enlightenment through Zen retreat but fails. Sorry, I spoiled the plot for you! He cannot let go of life, so he is not free.
Your friend,
Eiji
***
October 9, 2003
Dear Eiji,
I think it really sucks that Sing has treated you this way. I get that relationships are complicated and bad communication is a two-way street. I get that he's under pressure to get married because he's the only son. I also get that I wasn't there, and I'm not qualified to give an opinion on what went down. But I think it sucks. No way should the guy you've been involved with for years spring this marriage thing on you.
You say you're okay, but are you really? If Sing was seeing other people, have you been too? Do have someone else? For that matter, aren't you under pressure to get married and pass down the family name? Are you thinking about marriage? Are you all alone? Give me some context here.
I hadn't heard of 門, but I'll read it. Existential (or in this case Zen) books like that are a pretty good fit for prison. (Last month, a troupe came to perform Waiting for Godot here, which is an utterly obvious prison pick, but for good reason. It is like being in prison, waiting for a guy who will never show up.) Prison makes youthink about strip things down to the basics. Yes, freedom is about letting go of life. But if you do that too soon, then what's the point of having been alive?
Your friend,
Ash
***
November 24, 2003
Dear Ash,
Yes, I am under pressure to get married, as you say, because my sister's kids will not pass down the family name. But it's not so bad. I say to my family I won't get married unless I love someone I can marry. My mother says I don't look hard enough, but they mostly don't expect me to change my mind. My mother says, "Eiji, you are the most stubborn person I ever know."
You ask if I am alone or have someone. I think you asked me this once before! I will make same answer: I have just the friends. I did date a woman I met at a fundraiser for a couple of months after Sing's engagement, but it was not serious. We don't "click." We did have sex though; it was first time I slept with a woman. Can you believe it? I am so old! I was nervous, so I am not sure if it was good. Maybe I am sorta gay. Or maybe I am just very used to Sing.
I really miss sleeping with him--not just sex but presence. I miss his warmth and smell. I miss his snoring even. I am used to sleeping alone for a while but also used to coming back to him. It is hard to understand that he will never come back, even though we still see each other as friends.
I miss someone to touch. I remember we (you and I) used to hug a long time ago. It was so nice. I think about it a lot now. I wish I could hug you. I would not let go. It must be worse in prison. You mention friends sometimes who are inmates. Do you have special friend?
You are still my best friend.
--Eiji
***
January 12, 2004
Dear Eiji,
You're still my best friend too. So you want to know if I have a "special friend," huh? No, I know you didn't mean it like that. Well, you kind of meant it like that. Anyway, no, no one "special." I've made friends here. I've known some of these lifers for sixteen years: Marcus, Jake, Rudy--they're good friends, like Alex was, or Cain. Not more than that. And, no, I don't have sex with them.
Yeah, you're old to be sleeping with a woman for the first time, but heck, I haven't ever. I've never had consensual sex at all. I'm a consensual sex virgin. I really do envy you what you've had with Sing. I really have trouble imagining it. It's not something I could do, even outside the slammer.
I miss hugging you too. You made me feel... safe. I can't even explain what I mean by that, because I was never "safe" with you. You couldn't protect me. Hell, it put me in danger to try to protect you. But emotionally, I felt safe. I felt safe lying in bed, watching you sleeping. I guess it was because when you were right there beside me, I knew the most important thing in my life was safe with me.
--Ash
P.S. Your mother knows you well.
Letters 2006-2010
Fandoms: Banana Fish, Death Note, Death Note--Bodyverse
Characters: Ash, Eiji, Sing, mentions of other BF/DN characters and OCs
Spoilers: All of BF, light spoilers for DN and DN-Bodyverse
Warnings/Rating: References to physical and sexual violence, swearing, PG-13 this section.
Summary: Ash goes prison, but he and Eiji write letters... for decades... and decades...
A/N: I'd be happy to attribute the computer haiku if anyone knows who originated it.
Teaser: Ash: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I can feel you and me getting freer by the moment.
Letters 1987-1990 and Author's Notes
Letters 1994-1998
Letters 2003-2004
April 2, 2003
Dear Eiji,
It's true I feel totally behind the times when it comes to music, but in a way that's always been true for me. I hid it in the old days by pretending I wasn't much of a music lover, but I was never into teen idols when I was a teen. My whole life I've stuck in the '60's and '70's.
When I was a little kid, Griff had this Jefferson Airplane record he used to play all the time, as a result of which I developed a lifelong attachment to "Somebody to Love." He used to carry me on his shoulders and we'd boogie on down to it. God, what I wouldn't give to hear it this minute. I used to really like "White Rabbit" too, when I was too young to get what it was about. Since everything with Griff, though, I can't really listen to it anymore. Which is a shame: they did a good performance of it on the Smothers Brothers that one time.
Sorry. Babbling. Oh, those books I mentioned on computer evolution came; I've been enjoying them, but I wish they'd let me have a computer, you know one with internet. And not DOS. (I'm exaggerating: we have Windows 95.)
What's up in Japan?
Your friend,
Ash
P.S. You remember computer haiku?
Chaos reigns within.
Reboot.
Order will return.
***
May 24, 2003
Dear Ash,
I remember you once said Madonna is a hooker, but I think you meant her music sold more from sex appeal than music appeal. That is all I remember you said about music in the '80s. One time you played Janis Joplin when you thought I was asleep. I didn't know it was her when I heard it, but I looked at your tape's contents later.
I have news. Sing and Akira become engaged. They will get married in July. I think they are a good couple. They tease each other a lot, which is good, right?
Sorry, I am a little tired by taking my nephew to amusement park. He made me ride many roller coasters, which was fun but also reminds me a little bit of the time when my pole broke (head goes over heels), so it makes me tired. I will write more next letter.
Your friend,
Eiji
***
July 3, 2003
Dear Eiji,
Your news about Sing's marriage blindsided me. I thought you and him were pretty solid. Thinking back, you haven't talked about him much for a long time, but I always figured it was because you didn't want me to feel bad thinking about how you two went to Japan and I'm stuck here, etc.
So, um, おめでとう? To him, I mean, not you. For you, it kind of seems like you're losing your boyfriend. How do you feel about all this? Is it sudden?
I think the Janis Joplin was "Bobby McGee." I don't remember the time you're talking about, but that's my favorite song of hers. She squawks like a banshee, but you know, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I can feel you and me getting freer by the moment.
Your friend,
Ash
***
August 28, 2003
Dear Ash,
I was also blindsided by Sing's engagement. I feel silly because I should not be surprised. I knew Sing and Akira got close. I was pretty sure they were sleeping together sometimes. I feel stupid not to know for sure, but Sing always slept with girls; maybe we didn't talk about it enough. Also, Sing and I didn't really live together much the past two years. I travel for work, and he teaches, so we were apart. So we were not like couple, but I think of us as a couple. This is bad communication. We are still good friends though. I don't lose him: it is okay.
The wedding was last week. It was a pretty, Western wedding. Western wedding is popular in Japan. Sing's mother came from NY; I only met her a few times before. She is very quiet. I think he has a lot of pressure by relatives to get married and have kids. Of course, he wants it too: the normal life. It makes sense. I am happy for Sing and Akira. They looked very happy at wedding.
If freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, it is the same as to not care about life. This is Zen. Do you know a famous Japanese novel, 門 (The Gate)? It is about a man who has problems in life and tries to find enlightenment through Zen retreat but fails. Sorry, I spoiled the plot for you! He cannot let go of life, so he is not free.
Your friend,
Eiji
***
October 9, 2003
Dear Eiji,
I think it really sucks that Sing has treated you this way. I get that relationships are complicated and bad communication is a two-way street. I get that he's under pressure to get married because he's the only son. I also get that I wasn't there, and I'm not qualified to give an opinion on what went down. But I think it sucks. No way should the guy you've been involved with for years spring this marriage thing on you.
You say you're okay, but are you really? If Sing was seeing other people, have you been too? Do have someone else? For that matter, aren't you under pressure to get married and pass down the family name? Are you thinking about marriage? Are you all alone? Give me some context here.
I hadn't heard of 門, but I'll read it. Existential (or in this case Zen) books like that are a pretty good fit for prison. (Last month, a troupe came to perform Waiting for Godot here, which is an utterly obvious prison pick, but for good reason. It is like being in prison, waiting for a guy who will never show up.) Prison makes you
Your friend,
Ash
***
November 24, 2003
Dear Ash,
Yes, I am under pressure to get married, as you say, because my sister's kids will not pass down the family name. But it's not so bad. I say to my family I won't get married unless I love someone I can marry. My mother says I don't look hard enough, but they mostly don't expect me to change my mind. My mother says, "Eiji, you are the most stubborn person I ever know."
You ask if I am alone or have someone. I think you asked me this once before! I will make same answer: I have just the friends. I did date a woman I met at a fundraiser for a couple of months after Sing's engagement, but it was not serious. We don't "click." We did have sex though; it was first time I slept with a woman. Can you believe it? I am so old! I was nervous, so I am not sure if it was good. Maybe I am sorta gay. Or maybe I am just very used to Sing.
I really miss sleeping with him--not just sex but presence. I miss his warmth and smell. I miss his snoring even. I am used to sleeping alone for a while but also used to coming back to him. It is hard to understand that he will never come back, even though we still see each other as friends.
I miss someone to touch. I remember we (you and I) used to hug a long time ago. It was so nice. I think about it a lot now. I wish I could hug you. I would not let go. It must be worse in prison. You mention friends sometimes who are inmates. Do you have special friend?
You are still my best friend.
--Eiji
***
January 12, 2004
Dear Eiji,
You're still my best friend too. So you want to know if I have a "special friend," huh? No, I know you didn't mean it like that. Well, you kind of meant it like that. Anyway, no, no one "special." I've made friends here. I've known some of these lifers for sixteen years: Marcus, Jake, Rudy--they're good friends, like Alex was, or Cain. Not more than that. And, no, I don't have sex with them.
Yeah, you're old to be sleeping with a woman for the first time, but heck, I haven't ever. I've never had consensual sex at all. I'm a consensual sex virgin. I really do envy you what you've had with Sing. I really have trouble imagining it. It's not something I could do, even outside the slammer.
I miss hugging you too. You made me feel... safe. I can't even explain what I mean by that, because I was never "safe" with you. You couldn't protect me. Hell, it put me in danger to try to protect you. But emotionally, I felt safe. I felt safe lying in bed, watching you sleeping. I guess it was because when you were right there beside me, I knew the most important thing in my life was safe with me.
--Ash
P.S. Your mother knows you well.
Letters 2006-2010
