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labingiKeeping up Appearances is a c. 1990 British comedy series about small-town society lady, Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet"), a vain, egotistical busybody who fancies herself the pillar of the community but is really the most dreaded person in town. The series explores her misadventures as she terrorizes her community while inevitably having her plans thwarted by some embarrassing intrusion by her working-class family members. I have come to deeply love this show because in its light, zany, sometimes tooth-gritting way, it exemplifies what a connected, supportive community looks like. It teaches that while people may be far from perfect, we need to be there for one another all the same.*
The show is oriented around Hyacinth and her three sisters, each with an appropriate flower name. There's Violet, who married a rich man, but who is not happy with him. (The running joke that her husband is a crossdresser may be the aspect of the show that's aged the worst.) Ostensibly the most fortunate sister but the least connected to the community, she's usually only present through phone calls. Then, there's Daisy, who married working class bum, Onslow, and lives in a shabby house, along with Rose, an aging debutante whose life is procession of ill-fated romances, and their Daddy, a frail fellow about ninety who has no lines, but whose dementia does not stop him from getting about town and into trouble, especially with the ladies. The core group is rounded out with Hyacinth's long-suffering and easy-going husband, Richard, and her terrified neighbors, Elizabeth and Emmett, and the young vicar, who does his best to run away when he spots her.
Hyacinth is an awful person to be around, and our current popular culture would probably say cut her off. (Yes, I am writing a book on cutoffs.) She's a toxic narcissist, social media would observe, and to tolerate her would be toxic codependency. If this were real life, they'd say, the family should shun her, Richard divorce her, and nobody give her any truck. And, yes, that would be one way to shut her up. It would also be deeply destructive and tragic, fracturing core, loving relationships. Her community has chosen a different approach, and by no means a perfect one: they have chosen to tolerate her. They have chosen, more or less, to accept her as a reality of the community's life.
Now, as I say, their response is not perfect. Richard, in particular, needs stronger boundaries. He does almost everything she says, even when it's absurd, and one could well imagine that their relationship is the culmination of thirty years of her forceful nature overpowering his yielding nature until he has no backbone left. Elizabeth, too, puts up no resistance, never offering a clear boundary to stop Hyacinth's appropriation of her time and energy. Emmett complains about Hyacinth but tends to comply with her demands as well, at least until he's had enough and bursts out in obvious frustration—which everyone, then, rushes to pretend isn't aimed at her. It's great for comic effect, but as a model for real life, it's a case study in needing to set reasonable boundaries.
Ironically, one the characters who has the healthiest relationship with Hyacinth may be her brother-in-law, Onslow, with whom she shares a deep mutual antagonism. Onslow is the anti-Hyacinth, lazy, slovenly, and completely unconcerned with what the community—or even his own family—think of him. Hyacinth is aghast whenever he turns up at some social gathering and fervently pretends not to know him. Onslow, for his part, has little patience for her nonsense and will scarcely bend an inch to comply with her mandates. He doesn't try to undercut her; he just goes on being Onslow, irritated by Hyacinth but never deeply distressed.
Perhaps because they're family, Daisy and Rose also manage Hyacinth well. Rose is too obsessed with her own love life to be much aware that she embarrasses Hyacinth. Daisy, though occasionally stressed out by Hyacinth's expectations, is fundamentally a happy, easy-going person who just gets along.
The Daisy-Onslow-Rose-Daddy household, meanwhile, is a loose ship with its own share of drama. Rose emotes about her latest lost love and fights with Onslow over whether he'll give her a cigarette, Daisy complains about Onslow's waning passion, Daddy escapes and goes off bicycling around town naked, and Onslow sits in front of the tele eating crisps. It's not ideal—but it is fairly comfortable. This is a household where everyone is secure in having a place. They may grumble at each other; they may not pick up the trash. But they can be themselves and know they're family, and family is loved. You stand by them.
The core stability of family is a major theme of the show, exemplified by the sisters' tradition of calling each other "our": "our Rose," "our Hyacinth," and so on. They may chafe against each other, but they're always there in a pinch. That's even true of Hyacinth. As embarrassed as she is by Daisy's household, she's often there, helping find Daddy or getting ready for a family christening. She can't stand Onslow, but she'll be there at his birthday party. They're family, and family sticks together. And Richard gets on with everyone very well, no concerns about class or appearance. He likes Hyacinth's family quite a lot, and they him. The result is no one is alone, and no one is really unhappy. There are frustrations, yes, but there is also community: a core set of family, friends, and neighbors who will always pull together, who will always be there, a stability and a care that runs much deeper than appearances.
* The usual cutoff disclaimer: When I say, "We need to be there for each other," I do not mean cutting someone off is never legitimate or that people have an obligation to put up with abuse. Keeping up Appearances is not about abuse, and I intend to relate it to more tolerable relationship frustrations.
The show is oriented around Hyacinth and her three sisters, each with an appropriate flower name. There's Violet, who married a rich man, but who is not happy with him. (The running joke that her husband is a crossdresser may be the aspect of the show that's aged the worst.) Ostensibly the most fortunate sister but the least connected to the community, she's usually only present through phone calls. Then, there's Daisy, who married working class bum, Onslow, and lives in a shabby house, along with Rose, an aging debutante whose life is procession of ill-fated romances, and their Daddy, a frail fellow about ninety who has no lines, but whose dementia does not stop him from getting about town and into trouble, especially with the ladies. The core group is rounded out with Hyacinth's long-suffering and easy-going husband, Richard, and her terrified neighbors, Elizabeth and Emmett, and the young vicar, who does his best to run away when he spots her.
Hyacinth is an awful person to be around, and our current popular culture would probably say cut her off. (Yes, I am writing a book on cutoffs.) She's a toxic narcissist, social media would observe, and to tolerate her would be toxic codependency. If this were real life, they'd say, the family should shun her, Richard divorce her, and nobody give her any truck. And, yes, that would be one way to shut her up. It would also be deeply destructive and tragic, fracturing core, loving relationships. Her community has chosen a different approach, and by no means a perfect one: they have chosen to tolerate her. They have chosen, more or less, to accept her as a reality of the community's life.
Now, as I say, their response is not perfect. Richard, in particular, needs stronger boundaries. He does almost everything she says, even when it's absurd, and one could well imagine that their relationship is the culmination of thirty years of her forceful nature overpowering his yielding nature until he has no backbone left. Elizabeth, too, puts up no resistance, never offering a clear boundary to stop Hyacinth's appropriation of her time and energy. Emmett complains about Hyacinth but tends to comply with her demands as well, at least until he's had enough and bursts out in obvious frustration—which everyone, then, rushes to pretend isn't aimed at her. It's great for comic effect, but as a model for real life, it's a case study in needing to set reasonable boundaries.
Ironically, one the characters who has the healthiest relationship with Hyacinth may be her brother-in-law, Onslow, with whom she shares a deep mutual antagonism. Onslow is the anti-Hyacinth, lazy, slovenly, and completely unconcerned with what the community—or even his own family—think of him. Hyacinth is aghast whenever he turns up at some social gathering and fervently pretends not to know him. Onslow, for his part, has little patience for her nonsense and will scarcely bend an inch to comply with her mandates. He doesn't try to undercut her; he just goes on being Onslow, irritated by Hyacinth but never deeply distressed.
Perhaps because they're family, Daisy and Rose also manage Hyacinth well. Rose is too obsessed with her own love life to be much aware that she embarrasses Hyacinth. Daisy, though occasionally stressed out by Hyacinth's expectations, is fundamentally a happy, easy-going person who just gets along.
The Daisy-Onslow-Rose-Daddy household, meanwhile, is a loose ship with its own share of drama. Rose emotes about her latest lost love and fights with Onslow over whether he'll give her a cigarette, Daisy complains about Onslow's waning passion, Daddy escapes and goes off bicycling around town naked, and Onslow sits in front of the tele eating crisps. It's not ideal—but it is fairly comfortable. This is a household where everyone is secure in having a place. They may grumble at each other; they may not pick up the trash. But they can be themselves and know they're family, and family is loved. You stand by them.
The core stability of family is a major theme of the show, exemplified by the sisters' tradition of calling each other "our": "our Rose," "our Hyacinth," and so on. They may chafe against each other, but they're always there in a pinch. That's even true of Hyacinth. As embarrassed as she is by Daisy's household, she's often there, helping find Daddy or getting ready for a family christening. She can't stand Onslow, but she'll be there at his birthday party. They're family, and family sticks together. And Richard gets on with everyone very well, no concerns about class or appearance. He likes Hyacinth's family quite a lot, and they him. The result is no one is alone, and no one is really unhappy. There are frustrations, yes, but there is also community: a core set of family, friends, and neighbors who will always pull together, who will always be there, a stability and a care that runs much deeper than appearances.
* The usual cutoff disclaimer: When I say, "We need to be there for each other," I do not mean cutting someone off is never legitimate or that people have an obligation to put up with abuse. Keeping up Appearances is not about abuse, and I intend to relate it to more tolerable relationship frustrations.
